| i love college
but i am so lonely. |
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| there is too much noise in the air around me.
i want it to all go away. |
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| I have done a lot of thing in my life that I ended up regretting.
But I believe that everything happens for a reason... I'm one of those people.
There is one thing that I regret still.
When I was like eight, I said, "I hate you." To you. Because you wouldn't let me watch TV after dinner. I ran down the hall from the dinner table, with dad yelling at me, and I turned and yelled "I do, too." You two thought I had said "And you, too," saying I hated dad too. But I never corrected you because I felt really really bad. You didn't talk to me for the rest of the night or the next morning until I apologized.
There are very few specific episodes I remember from my childhood. The two most prominent memories are that of uttering those words, and that of telling people at Ariel and Peyton's house that Lauren had diarrhea and that's why she had to go home from the sleepover. I felt really bad about that.
The important thing is, that event is scarred in my memory forever because I hurt you a lot and that is something I never wanted to do again. I did hurt you again, probably several times. And I am sorry.
There are a lot of people who attest that their mother is the best mother ever. Five minutes later they are bitching about how mean and unfair she is, and how her cooking sucks, and how she is so embarrassing. That is why I think that I am correct in concluding that my mother is actually the best one. Because I honestly cannot think of anything negative to say about you, or the job you have done as a parent.
I have never told you how amazing I think you are. You came from a crappy childhood, with crappy people to look up to. Well, crappy person. You started life having been forced onto the path of towards becoming a negative, self-destructive, emotionally unstable person. But you didn't let your existence be defined by that. And now, you are an amazing, strong, smart, kind person, because you decided to be.
I do not know what I am going to do next year without you as my support system. You have carried me through the hardest times of my life: shitty friends, break-ups, extreme disappointments, and heartbreaks. We have confided in each other, and we just keep getting closer.
You and dad have been the only continuity in my life.
I love you.
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| sixty-one.
sixty-one is the number of times you inhaled during that song.
twenty-eight.
twenty-eight is the number of times you blinked.
i could not touch you, and feel your chest.
but if i could guess, i would guess that
two hundred twelve is the number of times your heart beat.
i process everything that you do
every word that you say
i internalize the looks in your eyes, the light in your eyes, the apathy in your eyes
the love in your eyes
that i know is there.
and your arm moves like only yours can
and your lips form words like only yours can.
and your mind gives me everything
and your heart gives me nothing.
i dangle from the words you say
that tell me you want to change that.
but you never do.
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| I don't see beauty in anything anymore. |
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